Disgruntled and at (dis) ease.

I've been experiencing a lot of dis-ease and disgruntlement this weekend.

You see, I am disappointed and angry just in general.

I am upset with friends that are looking at blessings and at gift horses in the mouth.

I am upset with friends bragging about their accomplishments.

I am upset that my husband would like to be "closer."


Why?

Because I am unhappy with my life...I feel like I am on the other side of the looking glass staring in.  I don't feel like I am interacting with anyone, that I'm just the observer.  When I found out I was going to have a child, I was excited.  I felt that it was my opportunity to show a new life the "ins and outs" while seeing everyday objects from a new perspective.  I had something to look forward to besides the droll work days and so-so weekends.

And then, I miscarry.  I lose the window of "newness."  Instead, I get to bleed for two months straight, lose hair, have acne, spend lots of money of feminine products, and then emotionally and physically withdraw from my husband.  I no longer want to do well at my jobs and begin to care less and less about everything.  On top of that, I lose all joy for my family's and friends' accomplishments and blessings.

You see, pregnancy can cause different reactions - happiness or trepidation.  Miscarriages can cause relief or grief.  

Do I want to go through this potential heartbreak again?
No.  Never again, if I can help it.

Will I try for another child?
Yes.

But what if there is another miscarriage?  Aren't you trying to avoid a possible miscarriage?
If there is another miscarriage, then I will know that I was never meant to be a mother.

Would you adopt?
No.  If I wasn't blessed with the ability to have a child myself, why would I think that I was supposed to care for another's child?  There must be a reason why I wasn't able to have my own.

So, not quite a cheery post, but this is my effort to be okay with imperfection in thoughts, heart, and body.

Salud,
L.